I will be the first to admit, not being high all the time and now being on “mood stabilizing drugs” sometimes my days are SUPER boring. There were so many times that I would be so flooded with thought there weren’t enough outlets on the internet to maintain them and now I swear sometimes all I hear are the faint sounds of a flat line on an electrocardiogram machine. It is safe this way though, I mean, In the past I would have gotten myself into an array of trouble with my thoughts and the craziness it would cause me, so this I suppose, is a good thing boring as it may be.

Last week my boss was out of town and I was pretty much left alone in the office “holding down the fort” so I decided it would be a good idea to paint it. Yes. Both upstairs and down. And we did!!! First day of the week we have this horrible windstorm and it’s so bad the visibility was practically zero because there was so much dirt blowing around, which coincidentally led to the phone lines and internet going down for the whole entire day… PERFECT timing because we had purchased the paint and supplies and were ready to go to town. And we did!!  It was to be a surprise for my boss because he’s been talking about wanting the place painted for a few years and we’ve never gotten around to it, so that was cool. It looks amazing in here too by the way!! Everyone who walks in is just blown away, it is crazy what a few gallons of chocolate brown and cammo green can make.

So now I sit here, listening to the humming of the Sparklettes bottle cooler and the ticking of the clock reminding me that it ISN’T five O’clock here yet and it wont be any sooner if I keep staring at that clock. *sigh*

Wellness is good… right?

This Sunday Mr Shann and I will have been married 12 years. This is the longest relationship I have ever had with a man. It has been more difficult than blissful if I am speaking most honestly. The past 2 years I have been completely sober and those have been probably the most difficult years to date for me personally. Where it was easier to pick up a joint and smoke my problems away, I have had to face each and every trial and deal with it in a different way that has been far more exhausting then anything I have experienced in my entire life. That all being said, Mr Shann (as well as EVERYONE else) has this delusional expectation in regards to celebrating our anniversary this weekend. We have thrown around ideas for months about what to do, where to go and he has stressed our “need to get away”. 

I don’t get that.

Today I am suffering from horrible anxiety about that phrase.. “need to get away” and I am at the verge of tears just thinking about it. I guess it bothers me because I feel like the idea of needing to get away from our life makes me sad and the idea that getting away from our life for a weekend isn’t going to make a shit of difference in it once we get back, and that is upsetting. There should be an expression of celebration of our life, marriage and love on a daily basis and not just on our anniversary or Valentines Day even (which I equally despise) and the fact that it isn’t the case and it has been reduced to a “one weekend a year” thing really, today especially, upsets me. 

Our lives today are proof of the miracle of grace from the Father, and I have no problem admitting that we are not perfect. I have always been pretty open and honest about our struggles in this life in regards to marriage and our blended family. I will never be so fake to pretend it hasn’t been hard and I will always rejoice in the fact that the Lord has blessed me with the Holy Spirit to get me through the toughest of times. That being said, I don’t understand why I am feeling forced to accept an idea that “getting away” will be beneficial to our marriage when I know that it starts in our own home and I feel like if it would have begun there so long before perhaps I wouldn’t be dreading a trip away this weekend.

I know that financially it will cause a burden, so the realist in me wants to avoid that. Las Vegas is disgusting and I have zero desire to go there and participate in anything that goes on there, at all. I tried to flatter the idea of sitting by a pool and relaxing, but truth be told I couldn’t get passed the idea of how bad I hate it there. It would still smell like crap walking from the pool to the hotel. I would still be surrounded by prostitutes, gamblers, drunkards and filth and paying for fuel to get me there, food to sustain me while I was there and all so I can NOT participate in the nonsense going on there really at the end of the day, feels like a total waste of my time, that is of more value to me.

I would be totally happy to go out for a delicious dinner and a movie. Perhaps exchange a nice little gift or something and have an evening at home alone with Mr Shann. For me, today, that is an ideal plan and I don’t know why I am feeling forced to accept anything else. I really hate that. I hate that society has put a “norm” on what we are suppose to do for different life events and if we don’t……. ugh.  I have been telling Mr Shann about how I feel about all of this and just now told him again and I think I’ll post this in an email for him to chew on, maybe he’ll get a better idea of where I’m coming from because I’m just flip flopping on the issue from one hour to the next. In the meantime, prayers are always appreciated. I’d really like to get through this time without hurting anyone ha

Over the weekend I had heard about Matthew Warren taking his own life. He is the son of mega church pastor Rick Warren, who truth be told I never really appreciated his ministry when it came to the public, I don’t know why but whatever. I felt sad as anyone would with the thought of someone losing a child to suicide and then knowing that the boy suffered from depression his entire life. Last year we lost a brother at church the same way and it tore me up inside. Having finally been diagnosed bipolar and coming to terms with things I have done in the past and connecting them to the disease of the mind, I understood why these men probably came to the end of their rope and took matters into their own hands. Not that I thought it was acceptable to do so, but I “get” why it happens and I know the place of compassion to be in toward the family or even others who just don’t understand how a “Christian could kill themselves”.

I got caught up on the internet reading comments from people, which was a mistake all by itself, that really made me sick. Comments like “Well if he had just prayed more ” or “If he had asked the Lord to heal him” and “If only he had more faith“, that is the one that stings the most. I really think that having a disease of the mind and being a Christian I have prayed for deliverance more often then not and if I am like anyone else who suffers from depression I am positive they have too. So the idea that these people could suggest otherwise just makes me angry and then sad. Sad because their lack of understanding comes off as a lack of compassion and knowing when people are believers and the have the nerve to ask such questions, I just want to put my fist through their faces(I know, equally Christ like, right).

I don’t understand why the church holds people with mental illness up to some silly standard and is so naïve when someone takes their own life. I mean seriously, you think that kid didn’t beg the Lord for healing before he killed himself?? You honestly don’t think he had faith to move mountains waiting for relief from his mind??? While they cant seem to wrap their head around those ideas I cant seem to wrap mine around theirs and it has been upsetting me since Saturday morning when I saw the crap written on the Christian Post. These people who are suppose to be his sisters and brothers in the Lord who DONT know him, assuming that he didn’t even TRY to seek the Lord totally forgetting that the devil is a liar and the author of confusion. Of course he will seek the weak in mind and bother them until the breaking point, how could they possibly forget that? Our  hugest adversary in this life is still out there ruining lives and destroying our world and yet “because he didn’t believe he could be healed” still comes out of their mouths?

If you ever thought such a thing or said such a thing regarding someone in your church who took their own life, I would ask you to reevaluate your thought process. If you think that you have it rough with the day by day struggles, imagine being someone who has little control over their own thoughts, let alone, sanity and has to fight minute by minute to escape them AND THEN has to deal with the daily struggles on top of it, and then ask yourself if you really still believe that Matthew Warren probably just didn’t have enough faith to get through this. The battle of the mind is harder than ANY fight in life I have EVER had to take on and I have come to the conclusion that if I am not healed of it in this life I can look forward to the day I go home to the Lord, at HIS timing, and receive complete healing from all of it.  I am thankful to the Lord that I have never given much thought to taking my own life and I have been very fortunate to have been able to overcome obstacles I have gotten myself into on my own, because of the Lord, but without hospitalization or rehabilitation. But not everyone is as fortunate and I would NEVER assume that “they just didn’t have the same faith I did”, and either should anyone else. Especially if you haven’t a CLUE what it’s like to live in an unstable mind.

I work with one of thee most disgusting and miserable people I have ever met. He is about 6’5 and weighs nearly 300 pounds and has the ugliest, most deplorable attitude that fits his appearance. He’s like that wretched giant in the old story books that everyone is afraid of but somehow ended up marrying his tiny little high school sweetheart and they have a horribly dysfunctional marriage and three totally horrible children together. The whole situation is just sad and I’m constantly trying to figure out WHY God would have this man and his ugliness work for our company. He isn’t appreciative. He treats people he works with like crap. He has no respect for ANYONE and he thinks he can talk a bunch of crap to people and then not understand why you’re pissed at him.  Last Friday there was a situation where he called the office about 20 minutes before we closed and asked a stupid question…

“What happens if I cant get to the office by 5 to get my check”? to which I stupidly answered with a question “you don’t get it until Monday”??

Now, had this guy just said “Hey Shannon listen, I’m about 20 minutes out, I know it’s almost five but would you mind hanging out so I can get my check”? None of what happened next would have happened. He seriously WENT OFF on me with every other word being an F bomb, about how “he needs his f*cking check, he has NO f*cking money, he literally has $1.15 in the bank and if he doesn’t get his f*cking check, his family is going to starve”. Now, you and I both know that they would not have starved over the course of the weekend and it should be pretty obvious that his problems should not have turned into mine but because this guy is a gigantic dickhead and he’s use to bullying people into getting what he wants he felt he could go there with me and everything was just going to be cherry.

That was until we had an inter office meeting this morning. 

Everything went down smoothly and then my boss started talking about being respectful of each other. He mentioned how last week he had called me a bitch ( I know, real nice example right) and how that was wrong “BUT you know, I heard the way you spoke to Karl and then how Karl spoke to you” and I butted in “Well at least  you said it to my face” to which the snickering coming from the other guys who work here suddenly stopped. Listen, I know that I can be a bitch, I don’t deny that for a second. I am one of two females who work in construction with all these men. If I am sweet and innocent they walk all over me, so there is an extent to which I feel I need to hold my ground and let them know I am not one to be messed with, in case you weren’t sure. Most of the guys have been here a while and understand that but this disgusting guy is new, and he isn’t fully aware… That is until what happened next. 

My boss kind of put him on blast about a situation he had with one of our suppliers and how he chewed that lady out because he felt as if he wasn’t receiving good customer service by her not having an answer to why the manufacturer hadn’t shipped his crap by now. She didn’t know! She was sort of in the middle and he let her have it for that and our boss sort of let him know that wasn’t okay to which he responded ” I don’t think I said anything wrong at all”. Famous last words. Then the boss says “and I know you and Shannon had an exchange of words last week” and that was when all hell was unleashed. He started talking in his loud giant voice about what he doesn’t appreciate and then I started saying that I didn’t care, what you were asking of me (to leave his check under a f*cking rock outside or something) wasn’t how we do things around here. I bobbed and weaved my head at him, I remained pretty calm but he was clearly not use to my disrespect toward him AT ALL and said that he “didn’t appreciate the way I was shaking my head at him”. I laughed.

The thing of it is, I cant help but wonder really, what kind of MAN thinks in his right mind that it is acceptable to cuss at and yell at a women? Why would he, at 6’4 300# think that not only is he intimidating to some by his size but that he can use his size to bully the rest of the world around him and especially women? I have seen this man throw his sons up against walls and cuss them out at Christmas parties. I have watched his only daughter repeatedly tweet about how horrible he is and how “if he would just go outside and smoke weed he would stop being such a dick”. I know without a doubt that this is one troubled man, I just don’t understand how one becomes such a piece of crap of a person? 

He didn’t get very far with me at the end of the meeting. I stood up to him in front of everyone and he hated it. He thought I would be impressed with his ill fated apology and I wasn’t. I’m a woman, don’t treat me like one of the guys out on the field and don’t talk to me like one either, I am not okay with that and really, there is no reason for it. The excuse that “well, that’s just how he is” doesn’t FLY with me. It didn’t fly with me when he treated my son in law like shit until he quit this job and it certainly wont fly with me in how he treats me today. Maybe you can talk to your wife that way or your kids or everyone else, I don’t know but if you think I’m going to sit back and take your “intimidation” you’re sadly mistaken. What is worse is I know FAR too much garbage on him and his lifestyle at home that he has foolishly entrusted me with over time and as much as I  would hate to hold that against him some day, his actions toward me and the rest of the employees working here will really determine whether or not we offer mandatory drug testing on a quarterly basis. I am just saying.

Last time we chatted I was a pretty miserable person. There were quite a few of you who really liked that about me. I was the MomGoneMadd. Rough and jaded, most of the time angry and pitiful,yet I managed to still make some pretty amazing friends on here with people who were probably really scared of meeting me for the first time. I appreciate the fact that they put their fears aside and still took a chance on me. 

Much has happened in the time I’ve been away. A lot of healing, self recognition, repenting, restoration. I wasn’t really sure if I even wanted to come back to a place that has seen me at my very worst but the truth be told there are a few of you that I really began to miss keeping up with. Most of you I see on Facebook and that is cool too but there is something about reading more than 140 characters or so. So here I am. Here is what is happening and what I have to talk about..in bullets.

• The step monster has moved out- twice actually. She left for a year and then returned only to break my heart and cause more trouble. The last straw was when she left my son at school after she said she would pick him up. We no longer speak at all, her and I
• We returned to our home church- after 2.5 years at the reformed church and some unexpected changes they were making, we felt led by the Holy Spirit to return back to our 4 Square home church and it has been amazing.
• My daughter is LOVING being married and couldn’t be happier. 
• Mr Shann is working on base in Barstow and loves his job. We were able to modify our mortgage and lower our interest rate, giving us a 350 extra dollars a month to catch up on everything.
• Our 12th wedding anniversary is coming up on the 21st of this month. 
• We went to Maui in January on vacation with my sister and brother in law.
• I was officially diagnosed with having bipolar disorder and am currently receiving treatment for it. That is a whole other blog on it’s own.
• My Ethan is growing into quite the handsome young man. He takes dance classes hip hop fundamentals and Industry hip hop for 2 hours on Saturdays. I’m praying about whether or not to get head shots done and find agents for him.

That’s just a bit of what’s been going on around here. My baking business has flourished, it’s been crazy! I just booked a sweet 16 with a peacock theme and just did another wedding a couple weeks ago. I gave up Facebook for lent this year and was able to get SO much done at home I’m considering taking more time off of it more often than once a year. I’ve been upcycling, creating, pinning and home cooking and we’re all seeing and feeling the affects of it. Life is just really pleasant right now, it is a sweet change and I’m looking forward to catching back up with everyone, if you’re still around and haven’t totally forgotten about me. 

There is just something about the first kiss at a wedding that can be captured not with the pastor in the background, but with the people who love you cheering, smiling, crying and taking photos of their own behind you.

The lights and ambiance are quite spectacular as well I think.

This is the ONE photo I so desperately wanted from my daughters wedding and I was pleasantly surprised, to tears even, that the photographer ended up getting it. This photo, WAS their day.

My baby girl became a married woman on Saturday

I cant even say anything else without crying. I am so happy for her but having a horrible time knowing she is gone, even though it’s only 1.8 miles down the road. Just wanted to post a couple of photos and as soon as I get more and get my  head together, I will tell you about the most beautiful day we had.

Here is another view

This is it! The final 6 days until my daughters big day. I have managed to hold it together pretty well and have kept my anxiety meds to a minimum, trusting the Lord, even though I’m mad at Him for allowing my stepdaughter to creep her way into my house. Lucky for me I have found the best way to make sure I am not second wife in this house and it is something I had all along…. my vagina.

I know. Shocking right? But I have the one advantage that little brat doesnt. She could never give her dad the booty. So I just need to put my pride down, stop being mad at him long enough to fulfill him and it is AMAZING the control I have aquired since the last I wrote. Having a pity party and being pissed off wasnt even fun and crying for days on end did nothing but make my eyes fat and wear me down. I dont have time for all that!! So I went ahead and gave it a shot and let the poor guy have some fun with me and BOY did it make a difference!! Score 1 for the Shann!

So the other night we took my daughter out for her bachelorette party, but not before I made her the cake pops she requested..

Trust me when I say making a penis cake pop for my daughter was a little disturbing. It was worse when she slipped up and mentioned her fiances penis doesnt taste like chocolate!!! I’d like to hope that she’s just assuming because I really dont want to know otherwise, omg.  She carried this box through Buffalo Wild Wings sporting her “Bride to be” sash like a boss. She is really funny. My sister heard people whisper “that’s a dick” as we walked by, it was embarrassing. Luckily it was Friday night and there isnt much else to do up here so all the big kids were there without their little kids and only the ones we brought from the bridal party were disturbed. Yeah. My daughters bridal party is her half sister who is a freshmen in high school and her cousins who are both sophomores and then my cousin, who is 23 but far more shy than anyone I know.

It didnt get really crazy until a guy came up saying his friend wanted to buy us all a round of shots. WHile my sister and my daughters step mom were amused that he thought we were all a bunch of young girls, we had to let him know we were OLD and the girls were 15, the bride already had a drink and her maid of honor didnt drink. Bunch of duds. We DID however, decide we need to take 15 year old girls out more often, especially once they get their licenses so they can drive us around when the boys want to buy us drinks!!! SCORE!!!

We then went to “neon bowl” and had a fantastic time. If you’ve never been, they shut down all the lights and light the place up with black lights, lazer beams and disco lights and play music videos on big screens between the lanes, it’s pretty cool actually. We brought some pink bachelorette siren lights and the girls had a blast. I am a terrible bowler but managed to win every game we played, go figure.

Tomorrow I make my trip to Costco to buy enough to make potato salad for 200 people and plates and junk. I’ve pretty much got everything done. I need to make one more payment to the rental company for the linens because her dad said he’d pay for at least that, but didnt. I am waiting for the stickers that go on the heart boxes on the table to come in so I can fill those with jelly bellys, glue flowers onto the arch we made out of dead sticks, and finish up the signs that I stenciled.

I ended up making more of these to put along Main Street from the freeway offramp for my family that is coming up from the Los Angeles area to look for so they know they are on the right track. I havent figured out how we’re going to put them up stratigically along the street yet but we’ll figure it out Im sure.

I made myself a list and am just praying I have enough money to tie up all the loose ends. We have come so far and paid cash for everything, it’s been amazing. I was just saying on facebook tonight that as all of this has just fallen into place so smoothly, it is just reaffirming the Lords precious hand on this marriage, it is truly a blessing to serve such a loving God who is in control… when we let Him be. =)

My daughter is getting married in 10 days from tomorrow and my life just keeps getting more and more complicated. I’m sure it just FEELS that way, but I am seriously at a loss right now.The events of this evening I am still trying to wrap my head around, and I just cant seem to do it.

I feel so betrayed.

I feel like they had this shit planned all along and I suspected it, but swore it wouldnt happen and yet it is. There is nothing I feel I can do about it except cry. Cry and ask God why. Why would you allow me to be in this shituation again? Wasnt 10 years of dealing with that terrible child of his long enough? Wasnt my being put second next to her for a decade long enough? What am I doing to deserve such treatment?I mean, you died for my sins, why must I continue to be punished?

I cant live like this. I dont want to. It isnt fair!!

I dont know how I am going to handle this. I am sober now so it hurts more. I cant control my feelings because I have nothing to numb the pain, I just have to deal with it. Deal with being the submissive wife, honoring my husband by letting his homeless asshole daughter move back into our house after she disrespected me from the day I met her 11 years ago until the day she left at 18 because she didnt want to obey our rules and be respectful and now she has burned every damn bridge she has crossed in the last year, has no where else to go but here and hasnt changed a bit, and I have to just accept it.

Im exhausted.

I have nothing left of myself. I am burning my wick at both ends. Between paying for this entire wedding myself, doing all the work, not getting a lick of help from her “dad” and getting nothing but b.s from him, then them buying a house that escrow JUST closed tonight, they get their keys on Thursday and the house has to be deep cleaned, moved in to, the wedding to finish everything, clothes to get for the guys, bachelorette party, I mean the list goes on and on and on and what does he do? Drops the “my daughter said she is ready to change her ways, obey our rules and move in”..

NOW?

When I just told you yesterday, “If one more person asks something more of me, I am going to lose it”.. and HE is that person.

I just wish I could stop crying.

My last Summer Monday off with my son today and we went down to Crystal Cove

and got to have a wonderful day with a wonderful lady we all know as @slmret

I am so thankful for Janet.

She had a pretty hard time following my blog and probably liking me at all when she first stumbled acrossed it but she stuck it out through the hard times and now she gets to see who I am now and how much happier I am and I think she feels a little more at ease with me haha

Thank you for the lovely day Ms Janet. Looking forward to the next time.