In December 2012 when I was officially diagnosed with MDI I thought it might be a good idea to try and learn more about it other than what I thought I knew by either seeing my grandmother hibernate for months and then bounce off the walls immediately after or what I had experienced myself. I wanted to find out if my own behavior and life choices were in any way connected to this stupid disease.

I stumbled upon a blog called The Bipolar Burble that is written by the amazing Natasha Tracy. I must have found it during an incredibly manic time because I swear I read almost everything I could in like, a weeks time. I could not BELIEVE how connected some of the shit I’ve felt and done was to this disease and yet there was no easy way to try to explain it to anyone in my family without them coming at me with the whole, “no you did that because you wanted to.. or you did that because you are this or that or the other” I mean, I have heard it all. I don’t think they are in denial about what goes on in my head, I think they think it’s “normal” to which I have to wonder if this is so normal and they get these similar episodes that I feel like I am plagued with, how is it that I cant seem to hold it together as well as they do? I mean, they are effing amazing actors because I would NEVER know they were tormented in the mind and I am like, exploding at the seams when I am on a good one.

But whatever. If I am in fact, just the weaker link, then okay. I’ll accept that if they need me to, but that isnt going to stop me from trying to have a better understanding of this disease, recognizing the symptoms of the mania that I have the hardest time with and trying to do all that I can to either prevent it or just give everyone a “heads up” that it’s coming and they should brace themselves just in case.  But in finding so many similarities I almost started to wonder if I was connecting with some things that I shouldn’t have, things that could have been just something I chose to do because of my own sinful nature and not so much because of my diseased mind. There is  a pretty tricky line between being a Christian and battling the flesh and being hypomanic and battling the disease of my mind. I hope that some day I can find the christian equivalent to Natasha. Someone that is as knowledgeable as she is but at the same time, someone who understands that “tricky line” and perhaps if it really even exists or did I just come up with that.
Ha. Somehow I doubt it.

Left… Me in January of this year
Right… Me on Sunday through my bedroom mirror that needs attention in the worst way.

January 2013 and September 2013

I have always been “the fat girl”. I’ve had to watch my weight since birth and I tease my mom about it being her fault since she fed me whole milk as an infant. I know it’s genetic though as my dads side of the family is cursed with obesity and my moms side are all pretty thin. I don’t know if I am just having that mid life crisis they all say happens at forty but in December of last year I decided to go finally see a psychiatrist for my un diagnosed yet clearly prevalent hypo-maniac behavior that was all of killing me. If you knew me when I was “Momgonemadd” you know what I’m talking about. I was finally tired of trying to fight this demon without the help of medication that was actually prescribed to me and not one I could buy off the streets. Longer story shorter, once I was able to get my head fixed up and get me stable and I started feeling better mentally, I got this bug to start fixing myself physically.
I have always had IBS, food has always made me sick and I finally hit this wall while at work one day. It was suggested we go out to lunch, where did I want to eat to which I responded “doesn’t matter, anywhere I go is going to make me sick”. That was the beginning of the end.
Someone at church turned me on to the documentary “Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead” and that was pretty much it. I had tried EVERY diet and eating plan imaginable and with my fortieth birthday creeping up on me that June and my inability to eat anything without getting sick, I knew I had to do something more than “a diet” and this was going to be it. I began with my reboot the Monday after Mothers Day in addition to taking a natural bee pollen supplement to boost my not so existing metabolism and have been going strong ever since. Typically I have a banana and almond smoothie for breakfast, a juice of some kind of 80 veggie/20 fruit blend for lunch and snack between lunch and dinner, and then make a fresh, home cooked, all natural ingredient dinner for my boys and I. I don’t eat fast food, I don’t drink soda or sugary drinks, I don’t eat bread, dairy or anything boxed or processed like lunch meat or any kind of meaty shit. I try to buy organic when I can find it in this podunk town and am buying more GMO free, hormone free meat and poultry when I can find it too.
I have never felt better in my entire life. I use to have diarrhea and headaches by 2pm every single day and I have had neither (with the exception to the occasional detox I do) since May. I have had 2 ibuprofen sitting on my desk “just in case” since May because I also suffer from migraines,and I have never needed to take them.
I recently began exercising for the first time in my life. I had said that once I began losing weight I would get out there and start moving(because I was sure I wasn’t going to lose any weight) and I have kept my word. I started by hiking in the desert with friends and then moved on to what I like to call “wogging” which is a jog/run thing. Right now we’re doing about 2 miles up and down hill which is perfect because I have signed myself up purposely for a 5k at the end of this month.
I’m not sure WHO this person I am becoming is as I have never known her. I am learning to love her as I have hated myself for most of my life and above all of it I know this is who God would want me to be. This is who He has always seen in me it has just taken me a long time to allow Him to do a work in me so that I can get here to this healthy place. I wouldn’t change it for anything, I cant imagine my life any other way.
People say their 40′s are the greatest years of their lives.. I am only 3 months in, almost 40 pounds lighter, and I’d have to say I may believe them.

And there you have it. My first Xanga 2.0 post. That didn’t hurt too bad.

Unless it’s at the bottom of my purse and my son needs some ice cream man money..

I keep trying to convince myself (and ya’ll) that I am not even TRIPPING about turning 40 next month. Deep inside I don’t care. What is an age anyway? I don’t LOOK like I’m almost 40 and even if I did, who cares? I’m STILL almost 40 so why even stress about it?  The thing that bothers me the most though, is not the fact that I am getting gray hairs popping out of my widows peak right in front of my face and that I am so allergic to hair dye that I cant do anything about it, but the fact that the texture of the stupid hairs are similar to wirey pubic hairs and they are out of control, RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE!!

I have an uncle who when he was my age, one half of his head turned white, the center was black and the other half was white. He looked like a skunk in reverse. I will gladly embrace my grays. They are bitter sweet. I could never have blonde hair without looking like a chola, so having WHITE hairs is practically a dream come true in some sick and twisted sort of way. But if my head is going to be filled with wirey pubic hair looking strands, I am probably going to be walking around with clearer signs of alapesha then I already have hidden in my thick locks because I am going to be plucking them all out!!! Wirey white pubic hairs on the head are NOT okay with me. They do not cooperate with my flat iron, they stand straight up on windy days and living in the high desert, we have plenty of windy days. This isn’t okay!! 

Any suggestions before I pull them all out on how to tame a wild white hair on my head? I will be plucking them out soon if I cant figure something else out. This madness must be stopped immediately!! 

I only have 9 more car payments until my black beauty is paid off.. 

One horrible characteristic about me that I have every right to hate myself about it the fact that I live too much in my past. My thoughts are often times dreaming of the days of old, days when my character was given shape, days when I saw myself as a beautiful young woman and the men that I allowed to rob me of that vision. I am not writing this for sympathy or for reassurance, I know somewhere inside of me, that I am still a beautiful but older young woman. I might not see it every time I look into the mirror, but I know she is in there somewhere. The truth of the matter is, for whatever reason, I dwell on the past and when it comes back to taunt me, I am weak.

I was positive that being on medication and not getting all hypo manic that I would be less susceptible to falling for the same old tricks of the devil. I don’t know WHY I thought it might be easier, delusion i suppose. Because I am sick of fighting perhaps? Hopeful that I wouldn’t fail yet again? I don’t really know, but I DO know that I was sadly mistaken. I say that my past “taunts me” because it’s true. While on one hand I can probably say my past is completely regrettable on the exact opposite hand I can say it sure was wild and fun. I know that the person I am today is a scarred version of that girl who is finding peace in her Creator, finding acceptance of the forgiveness for the things she has done and finally coming to a place of understanding the sovereignty of Christ, and that is a really hard one to swallow. I liked to stay stoned most of the time because not only did it make the difficulties in my life something I didn’t give much of a crap about but also because I could never forgive MYSELF for the things I have done (and continue to do) and couldn’t possibly see how Jesus could either, even though he is God and so much bigger than I am. I am very good at beating myself up, I am my own worst enemy, my very worst critic and if the words in my head were spoken aloud I would probably be institutionalized… it is that bad. But I am learning. I am learning to accept the sanctification that was offered to me through Christ and though I will not be fully sanctified until I am dead and gone, I will continue to learn and fight these demons in my head. 

All that to say, my past is back to taunt me. And without saying too much more I am asking for prayer. I am officially battling against powers and principalities that I haven’t had to deal with in over 20 years. It’s that one thing that you hope you never have to deal with. It’s that one person you hope you never see. And if you do see them, you wish you never did because it will only lead to disaster. I probably shouldn’t even be writing this but I have to get it off my chest. I am afraid. Not for my safety so please don’t worry. I am afraid of myself. I don’t trust myself. I want to be better. I want to be better than this. I am so sick of making STUPID choices and being so f*cking consumed with not just this sickness but whatever it is that allows me to be SO damn stupid. I want to be free from these strongholds and I can feel in the pit of me I am not and trouble is coming. 

We are currently taking a marriage class with about 10 other couples on Saturday evenings. We are rounding down to the last 2 classes and I am so glad. It really kills into the day when you have to stop what you’re doing at 5 O’clock and get ready for class. It’s been alright I guess. It is given by Pastor Jimmy Evans and it’s a video series we watch and then discuss. I might have mentioned here, I don’t remember, but one week I walked out right after class because they tried to make us do an “exercise” and I wasn’t having it. ha yeah. That was fun.

Last week we didn’t go because it was our anniversary and we were going to just hang out together so this week they did the “raising children” video. Now, most of the couples in the class have been married(some several times) for a number of years and there is one couple who is pregnant with their first child, so I am not sure WHY they wait so long to offer this series to married couples. This has been something I’d have liked to see BEFORE I got married. Mostly because of the “raising children” episode that we saw this weekend. 

In short, Pastor Jimmy pretty much told us EVERYTHING we have done wrong in the blending of our family and raising our children.   I thought it was going to be an “A ha” moment for me, instead I caught myself poking Mr Shann in the ribs a few times and then I moved my chair further away so I would stop that, and just did my ghetto “Mmmm hmmmmm” from time to time instead. I felt justified. 
At the end of it all I felt like I had truly failed my step daughter as a step parent. I felt like I probably could have handled things much differently if I had the support of her father, of course, which I did not. The rest of the series was pretty much about how Mr Shann shouldn’t have done ANYTHING that he did in regards to raising her in a blended home and what kind of parent he should have been instead of the one he was. It was quite brutal. At the end of the video, the leaders of the class went around and asked everyone if there was something they had gotten off of the video. Mr Shann blurted out “Nope. Nothing for me, no”. 

My heart fell to the ground. I was so disappointed. I have been wanting all throughout this series to just hear 2 words from him. Two words that I long for that were said because of having seen the light. Two words that let me know that  his heart had been changed. And when he said he had nothing to say, I knew that there was nothing left for us to get out of this series. If that video didn’t get to him, nothing would. Parents and Sex were next and neither of those are a problem for us and the child thing was and you know, my hopes were just flushed down the toilet.

So we got into the car to leave and it was another beautiful desert night. The home where this class is has thee most amazing view of the valley so we took it in for a moment and then headed off to Nubis for some froyo. Not even to the end of the block I hear the most amazing things come out of my husbands mouth. 

” Never before have I EVER heard parenting presented in that way! I don’t know WHAT the hell I have been thinking all these  years but I do know this. I owe you the biggest apology I can possibly give. I-am-so-sorry. I had NO idea I was doing it all so wrong and what that guy said was just blow by blow knocking down what I had thought. I am so sorry babe”. 

I almost cant even type this, 2 days later without crying again. I told him that I accepted his apology and that he has no idea how long I have been waiting for him to say those words. That he couldn’t possibly have made me any happier at that moment. Not that he was sorry, I mean no  one enjoys being brought to repentance, but that we could finally move past this once and for all because the cycle was going to end finally. 

I am so very much looking forward to the restoration that is to come from all of this. 

Thank you for your continued prayers. They have been heard. 

I mentioned recently that my fortieth birthday is coming up. Two years ago I wanted to have a HUGE Old School party. About a year ago I was talking about wanting to go to Vegas and party it up poolside with friends. About 6 months ago I began to sprout 4 bright white hairs from the right side of my widows peek.  About a month ago I decided that I didn’t want Mr Shann to waste money on a party when I don’t ”party” and said I’d rather have my front yard re landscaped and we have begun to work on that and it’s been cool. 

I don’t know what it is about turning 40 but it feels a whole lot worse than 20 and 30 ever felt, and 30 was HORRIBLE. I have terrible self image issues anyway, so now putting that dreadful age next to it really has been doing a number on me. I have begun to pull skin to flatten out wrinkles, notice every little freckle and somehow convince myself that it’s new and it’s because I’m turning forty!! Most recently I have been disgusted with the lines my bras make in the side of my torso. I’m positive I’ve been wearing the wrong size bras as long as I can remember, however the appearance of “back fat” has really gotten on my nerves lately and because I cant just go out and get lipo and it wont just magically fall off on it’s own, these things take time and effort to lose which I am working on but I want fast results now!! So I searched the internet far and wide and after a failed attempt at Torrid to get a bra that fits me and doesn’t make back fat lines, I did the one thing I thought I would never do.

I bought the as seen on TV miracle, the “Bra Genie”

I have no shame. I will admit to leaving the mall in tears and going straight to Walmart and spending $20 on exactly what I was looking for that wasn’t a sports bra and was going to get rid of my back fat that day… and it did!! I almost cried when I put it on and went to show Mr Shann and even HE noticed my back was smooth and had no creases in it, and he seems to not notice anything anymore. I tried not to let it bother me that he could see a significant difference and shouted out “WOW” but I was so much more excited that this is what I wanted and it worked!! I cant even care that it is something off an infomercial and that it was nine bucks instead of the forty five I was about to spend on some high end bra for fat chicks at the mall. 

I’m planning on going to Walmart this week and buying 2 more and then possibly buying 2 more a week until I have them stock piled just in case they vanish off the face of the earth one day. Not only do they smooth out my back but my boobs are secure and look really nice and it is SO stinking comfortable it’s disgusting. I have to drag myself out of bed and take it off at night because I keep forgetting I’m even wearing it,  where when I wore a bra I couldn’t wait to take it off the second I walked in the door!

So there you have it. If you’ve ever seen this infomercial and wondered “hmmmm” I am here to tell you it is probably one of the best chances I have taken buying something as seen on TV and recommend it to anyone who has as many issues with their body as I do. Or if you just would like your back to be more flattering, that is a good excuse too. 

There is a Chuck E Cheese in Diamond Bar that I drive by whenever I have to take the 57 FWY and every time I drive by it, I am reminded of the day about 13 years ago when I was dating Mr Shann and I met his daughter for the first time. We took our daughters on a double date to get acquainted with each other and thought Chuck E Cheese would be a good middle ground. Little did I know that this wonderful man I had met, who was like NO other man I had ever dated in my life let alone the past 12 years of being a single parent, would have THEE most horrible little daughter I have ever had the misfortune of meeting.

I have always been one to see that I have had pretty good discernment over the years. It doesn’t dismiss the fact that I STILL have made horrible choices in my life but I  usually know when the Holy Spirit is tugging at me to do something, or not to for that matter, and the feeling I got that day at Chuck E Cheese was that I needed to run like hell out of that place, with my daughter in tow and never look back. That it didn’t matter HOW wonderful that guy was, his daughter was SO HORRIBLE it wasn’t worth it to me to stick around and make a life with this man!

As our 12th wedding anniversary approaches(Sunday) I was thinking about that day, again. But this time I had an entirely different thought about it. What if the Holy Spirit WAS in fact, giving me discernment about that little devil child and because I KNEW I should have ended the relationship but didn’t ,I have paid the price of having thee worst step child in the history of man kind and my marriage has suffered immensely because I DIDN’T listen to the SCREAMING of the Holy Spirit and the tearing up of my heart when I knew I should have run like hell out of there. (phew, that was a mouth full) 

I am positive that there are a million reasons in addition to my horrible step daughter and her father not doing anything about it, our marriage hasn’t been healthy all these years. I am sure my depression and manic episodes, drug use, workaholic self attributed greatly to our hardships, I don’t deny it. I just cant help but wonder now that if because I wasn’t obedient to the screaming in my heart is that WHY I had to endure what I have? Not as punishment but because I didn’t listen…and because I didn’t listen, this is what was going to happen. I had fair warning on what I should do in order to NOT have had to endure this nonsense and I didn’t listen. I did what I wanted to do anyway.

For years I have kicked myself whenever I drive passed that Chuck E Cheese and it isn’t because I don’t love Mr Shann as much as I do but because I am so angry and scarred over how things turned out in the long run. “What if” stings my heart every time I make that drive through Diamond Bar. She has gotten older, she is 20 now and out in the rough world trying to fend for herself (because she STILL cant be respectful and she is adult and I don’t have to take it anymore legally) and so slowly things are beginning to mend. We are taking marriage classes on Saturday nights at the home of a couple who has been married for 39 years and seem to have it pretty much figured out….now. It’s amazing how just having her out of the picture has made such a difference for everyone. Even Mr Shann, although his feelings as her father are just hurt and broken as he wishes she’d have turned out different (umm, hello?) but that’s another blog all by itself. 

Long story short….

Here’s to looking forward!

<raises glass>

To new beginnings and being obedient next time!!! haha

*cheers*

I love when we sing songs off mainstream Christian radio in church on Sundays. I laugh at Mr Shann because he gets frustrated when he hasn’t a clue about these “new songs” and tell him it could be easily resolved if he’d just turn on the radio and stop listening to his crappy CD’s during his commute, but I digress. Recently, to my surprise, the ol’ four square church band threw in some David Crowder Band and introduced us to their version of “How He Loves”. 

I love the radio version. I love singing that song in the car, with the windows down, at the top of my lungs so when they first played it at church I was giddy and looked forward to every time they decided to sing it during worship. That was, until this past Sunday. I noticed they replaced DCB’s version of “Heaven meets Earth like a sloppy wet kiss” with the original  ”unforseen kiss”. Now, I am not going to lie, I heard the gasps and giggles the first time they sang DCB’s version throughout the sanctuary and I wondered how our pastor handled the phone calls and emails that were to follow Sunday service. When they changed it back to it’s original I realized the gasps overthrew the giggles and they changed it to appease the older masses.. 

That’s cool… I guess.

If you listen to it (that is, if you’ve never heard it before) you will see how it can work well either way. But because I’m biased and like this version better, this is the one I’m posting. 

PS

Tomorrow is Friday! Yeeep!!