Unless it’s at the bottom of my purse and my son needs some ice cream man money..

I keep trying to convince myself (and ya’ll) that I am not even TRIPPING about turning 40 next month. Deep inside I don’t care. What is an age anyway? I don’t LOOK like I’m almost 40 and even if I did, who cares? I’m STILL almost 40 so why even stress about it?  The thing that bothers me the most though, is not the fact that I am getting gray hairs popping out of my widows peak right in front of my face and that I am so allergic to hair dye that I cant do anything about it, but the fact that the texture of the stupid hairs are similar to wirey pubic hairs and they are out of control, RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE!!

I have an uncle who when he was my age, one half of his head turned white, the center was black and the other half was white. He looked like a skunk in reverse. I will gladly embrace my grays. They are bitter sweet. I could never have blonde hair without looking like a chola, so having WHITE hairs is practically a dream come true in some sick and twisted sort of way. But if my head is going to be filled with wirey pubic hair looking strands, I am probably going to be walking around with clearer signs of alapesha then I already have hidden in my thick locks because I am going to be plucking them all out!!! Wirey white pubic hairs on the head are NOT okay with me. They do not cooperate with my flat iron, they stand straight up on windy days and living in the high desert, we have plenty of windy days. This isn’t okay!! 

Any suggestions before I pull them all out on how to tame a wild white hair on my head? I will be plucking them out soon if I cant figure something else out. This madness must be stopped immediately!! 

I only have 9 more car payments until my black beauty is paid off.. 

One horrible characteristic about me that I have every right to hate myself about it the fact that I live too much in my past. My thoughts are often times dreaming of the days of old, days when my character was given shape, days when I saw myself as a beautiful young woman and the men that I allowed to rob me of that vision. I am not writing this for sympathy or for reassurance, I know somewhere inside of me, that I am still a beautiful but older young woman. I might not see it every time I look into the mirror, but I know she is in there somewhere. The truth of the matter is, for whatever reason, I dwell on the past and when it comes back to taunt me, I am weak.

I was positive that being on medication and not getting all hypo manic that I would be less susceptible to falling for the same old tricks of the devil. I don’t know WHY I thought it might be easier, delusion i suppose. Because I am sick of fighting perhaps? Hopeful that I wouldn’t fail yet again? I don’t really know, but I DO know that I was sadly mistaken. I say that my past “taunts me” because it’s true. While on one hand I can probably say my past is completely regrettable on the exact opposite hand I can say it sure was wild and fun. I know that the person I am today is a scarred version of that girl who is finding peace in her Creator, finding acceptance of the forgiveness for the things she has done and finally coming to a place of understanding the sovereignty of Christ, and that is a really hard one to swallow. I liked to stay stoned most of the time because not only did it make the difficulties in my life something I didn’t give much of a crap about but also because I could never forgive MYSELF for the things I have done (and continue to do) and couldn’t possibly see how Jesus could either, even though he is God and so much bigger than I am. I am very good at beating myself up, I am my own worst enemy, my very worst critic and if the words in my head were spoken aloud I would probably be institutionalized… it is that bad. But I am learning. I am learning to accept the sanctification that was offered to me through Christ and though I will not be fully sanctified until I am dead and gone, I will continue to learn and fight these demons in my head. 

All that to say, my past is back to taunt me. And without saying too much more I am asking for prayer. I am officially battling against powers and principalities that I haven’t had to deal with in over 20 years. It’s that one thing that you hope you never have to deal with. It’s that one person you hope you never see. And if you do see them, you wish you never did because it will only lead to disaster. I probably shouldn’t even be writing this but I have to get it off my chest. I am afraid. Not for my safety so please don’t worry. I am afraid of myself. I don’t trust myself. I want to be better. I want to be better than this. I am so sick of making STUPID choices and being so f*cking consumed with not just this sickness but whatever it is that allows me to be SO damn stupid. I want to be free from these strongholds and I can feel in the pit of me I am not and trouble is coming. 

We are currently taking a marriage class with about 10 other couples on Saturday evenings. We are rounding down to the last 2 classes and I am so glad. It really kills into the day when you have to stop what you’re doing at 5 O’clock and get ready for class. It’s been alright I guess. It is given by Pastor Jimmy Evans and it’s a video series we watch and then discuss. I might have mentioned here, I don’t remember, but one week I walked out right after class because they tried to make us do an “exercise” and I wasn’t having it. ha yeah. That was fun.

Last week we didn’t go because it was our anniversary and we were going to just hang out together so this week they did the “raising children” video. Now, most of the couples in the class have been married(some several times) for a number of years and there is one couple who is pregnant with their first child, so I am not sure WHY they wait so long to offer this series to married couples. This has been something I’d have liked to see BEFORE I got married. Mostly because of the “raising children” episode that we saw this weekend. 

In short, Pastor Jimmy pretty much told us EVERYTHING we have done wrong in the blending of our family and raising our children.   I thought it was going to be an “A ha” moment for me, instead I caught myself poking Mr Shann in the ribs a few times and then I moved my chair further away so I would stop that, and just did my ghetto “Mmmm hmmmmm” from time to time instead. I felt justified. 
At the end of it all I felt like I had truly failed my step daughter as a step parent. I felt like I probably could have handled things much differently if I had the support of her father, of course, which I did not. The rest of the series was pretty much about how Mr Shann shouldn’t have done ANYTHING that he did in regards to raising her in a blended home and what kind of parent he should have been instead of the one he was. It was quite brutal. At the end of the video, the leaders of the class went around and asked everyone if there was something they had gotten off of the video. Mr Shann blurted out “Nope. Nothing for me, no”. 

My heart fell to the ground. I was so disappointed. I have been wanting all throughout this series to just hear 2 words from him. Two words that I long for that were said because of having seen the light. Two words that let me know that  his heart had been changed. And when he said he had nothing to say, I knew that there was nothing left for us to get out of this series. If that video didn’t get to him, nothing would. Parents and Sex were next and neither of those are a problem for us and the child thing was and you know, my hopes were just flushed down the toilet.

So we got into the car to leave and it was another beautiful desert night. The home where this class is has thee most amazing view of the valley so we took it in for a moment and then headed off to Nubis for some froyo. Not even to the end of the block I hear the most amazing things come out of my husbands mouth. 

” Never before have I EVER heard parenting presented in that way! I don’t know WHAT the hell I have been thinking all these  years but I do know this. I owe you the biggest apology I can possibly give. I-am-so-sorry. I had NO idea I was doing it all so wrong and what that guy said was just blow by blow knocking down what I had thought. I am so sorry babe”. 

I almost cant even type this, 2 days later without crying again. I told him that I accepted his apology and that he has no idea how long I have been waiting for him to say those words. That he couldn’t possibly have made me any happier at that moment. Not that he was sorry, I mean no  one enjoys being brought to repentance, but that we could finally move past this once and for all because the cycle was going to end finally. 

I am so very much looking forward to the restoration that is to come from all of this. 

Thank you for your continued prayers. They have been heard. 

I mentioned recently that my fortieth birthday is coming up. Two years ago I wanted to have a HUGE Old School party. About a year ago I was talking about wanting to go to Vegas and party it up poolside with friends. About 6 months ago I began to sprout 4 bright white hairs from the right side of my widows peek.  About a month ago I decided that I didn’t want Mr Shann to waste money on a party when I don’t ”party” and said I’d rather have my front yard re landscaped and we have begun to work on that and it’s been cool. 

I don’t know what it is about turning 40 but it feels a whole lot worse than 20 and 30 ever felt, and 30 was HORRIBLE. I have terrible self image issues anyway, so now putting that dreadful age next to it really has been doing a number on me. I have begun to pull skin to flatten out wrinkles, notice every little freckle and somehow convince myself that it’s new and it’s because I’m turning forty!! Most recently I have been disgusted with the lines my bras make in the side of my torso. I’m positive I’ve been wearing the wrong size bras as long as I can remember, however the appearance of “back fat” has really gotten on my nerves lately and because I cant just go out and get lipo and it wont just magically fall off on it’s own, these things take time and effort to lose which I am working on but I want fast results now!! So I searched the internet far and wide and after a failed attempt at Torrid to get a bra that fits me and doesn’t make back fat lines, I did the one thing I thought I would never do.

I bought the as seen on TV miracle, the “Bra Genie”

I have no shame. I will admit to leaving the mall in tears and going straight to Walmart and spending $20 on exactly what I was looking for that wasn’t a sports bra and was going to get rid of my back fat that day… and it did!! I almost cried when I put it on and went to show Mr Shann and even HE noticed my back was smooth and had no creases in it, and he seems to not notice anything anymore. I tried not to let it bother me that he could see a significant difference and shouted out “WOW” but I was so much more excited that this is what I wanted and it worked!! I cant even care that it is something off an infomercial and that it was nine bucks instead of the forty five I was about to spend on some high end bra for fat chicks at the mall. 

I’m planning on going to Walmart this week and buying 2 more and then possibly buying 2 more a week until I have them stock piled just in case they vanish off the face of the earth one day. Not only do they smooth out my back but my boobs are secure and look really nice and it is SO stinking comfortable it’s disgusting. I have to drag myself out of bed and take it off at night because I keep forgetting I’m even wearing it,  where when I wore a bra I couldn’t wait to take it off the second I walked in the door!

So there you have it. If you’ve ever seen this infomercial and wondered “hmmmm” I am here to tell you it is probably one of the best chances I have taken buying something as seen on TV and recommend it to anyone who has as many issues with their body as I do. Or if you just would like your back to be more flattering, that is a good excuse too. 

There is a Chuck E Cheese in Diamond Bar that I drive by whenever I have to take the 57 FWY and every time I drive by it, I am reminded of the day about 13 years ago when I was dating Mr Shann and I met his daughter for the first time. We took our daughters on a double date to get acquainted with each other and thought Chuck E Cheese would be a good middle ground. Little did I know that this wonderful man I had met, who was like NO other man I had ever dated in my life let alone the past 12 years of being a single parent, would have THEE most horrible little daughter I have ever had the misfortune of meeting.

I have always been one to see that I have had pretty good discernment over the years. It doesn’t dismiss the fact that I STILL have made horrible choices in my life but I  usually know when the Holy Spirit is tugging at me to do something, or not to for that matter, and the feeling I got that day at Chuck E Cheese was that I needed to run like hell out of that place, with my daughter in tow and never look back. That it didn’t matter HOW wonderful that guy was, his daughter was SO HORRIBLE it wasn’t worth it to me to stick around and make a life with this man!

As our 12th wedding anniversary approaches(Sunday) I was thinking about that day, again. But this time I had an entirely different thought about it. What if the Holy Spirit WAS in fact, giving me discernment about that little devil child and because I KNEW I should have ended the relationship but didn’t ,I have paid the price of having thee worst step child in the history of man kind and my marriage has suffered immensely because I DIDN’T listen to the SCREAMING of the Holy Spirit and the tearing up of my heart when I knew I should have run like hell out of there. (phew, that was a mouth full) 

I am positive that there are a million reasons in addition to my horrible step daughter and her father not doing anything about it, our marriage hasn’t been healthy all these years. I am sure my depression and manic episodes, drug use, workaholic self attributed greatly to our hardships, I don’t deny it. I just cant help but wonder now that if because I wasn’t obedient to the screaming in my heart is that WHY I had to endure what I have? Not as punishment but because I didn’t listen…and because I didn’t listen, this is what was going to happen. I had fair warning on what I should do in order to NOT have had to endure this nonsense and I didn’t listen. I did what I wanted to do anyway.

For years I have kicked myself whenever I drive passed that Chuck E Cheese and it isn’t because I don’t love Mr Shann as much as I do but because I am so angry and scarred over how things turned out in the long run. “What if” stings my heart every time I make that drive through Diamond Bar. She has gotten older, she is 20 now and out in the rough world trying to fend for herself (because she STILL cant be respectful and she is adult and I don’t have to take it anymore legally) and so slowly things are beginning to mend. We are taking marriage classes on Saturday nights at the home of a couple who has been married for 39 years and seem to have it pretty much figured out….now. It’s amazing how just having her out of the picture has made such a difference for everyone. Even Mr Shann, although his feelings as her father are just hurt and broken as he wishes she’d have turned out different (umm, hello?) but that’s another blog all by itself. 

Long story short….

Here’s to looking forward!

<raises glass>

To new beginnings and being obedient next time!!! haha

*cheers*

I love when we sing songs off mainstream Christian radio in church on Sundays. I laugh at Mr Shann because he gets frustrated when he hasn’t a clue about these “new songs” and tell him it could be easily resolved if he’d just turn on the radio and stop listening to his crappy CD’s during his commute, but I digress. Recently, to my surprise, the ol’ four square church band threw in some David Crowder Band and introduced us to their version of “How He Loves”. 

I love the radio version. I love singing that song in the car, with the windows down, at the top of my lungs so when they first played it at church I was giddy and looked forward to every time they decided to sing it during worship. That was, until this past Sunday. I noticed they replaced DCB’s version of “Heaven meets Earth like a sloppy wet kiss” with the original  ”unforseen kiss”. Now, I am not going to lie, I heard the gasps and giggles the first time they sang DCB’s version throughout the sanctuary and I wondered how our pastor handled the phone calls and emails that were to follow Sunday service. When they changed it back to it’s original I realized the gasps overthrew the giggles and they changed it to appease the older masses.. 

That’s cool… I guess.

If you listen to it (that is, if you’ve never heard it before) you will see how it can work well either way. But because I’m biased and like this version better, this is the one I’m posting. 

PS

Tomorrow is Friday! Yeeep!!

I will be the first to admit, not being high all the time and now being on “mood stabilizing drugs” sometimes my days are SUPER boring. There were so many times that I would be so flooded with thought there weren’t enough outlets on the internet to maintain them and now I swear sometimes all I hear are the faint sounds of a flat line on an electrocardiogram machine. It is safe this way though, I mean, In the past I would have gotten myself into an array of trouble with my thoughts and the craziness it would cause me, so this I suppose, is a good thing boring as it may be.

Last week my boss was out of town and I was pretty much left alone in the office “holding down the fort” so I decided it would be a good idea to paint it. Yes. Both upstairs and down. And we did!!! First day of the week we have this horrible windstorm and it’s so bad the visibility was practically zero because there was so much dirt blowing around, which coincidentally led to the phone lines and internet going down for the whole entire day… PERFECT timing because we had purchased the paint and supplies and were ready to go to town. And we did!!  It was to be a surprise for my boss because he’s been talking about wanting the place painted for a few years and we’ve never gotten around to it, so that was cool. It looks amazing in here too by the way!! Everyone who walks in is just blown away, it is crazy what a few gallons of chocolate brown and cammo green can make.

So now I sit here, listening to the humming of the Sparklettes bottle cooler and the ticking of the clock reminding me that it ISN’T five O’clock here yet and it wont be any sooner if I keep staring at that clock. *sigh*

Wellness is good… right?

This Sunday Mr Shann and I will have been married 12 years. This is the longest relationship I have ever had with a man. It has been more difficult than blissful if I am speaking most honestly. The past 2 years I have been completely sober and those have been probably the most difficult years to date for me personally. Where it was easier to pick up a joint and smoke my problems away, I have had to face each and every trial and deal with it in a different way that has been far more exhausting then anything I have experienced in my entire life. That all being said, Mr Shann (as well as EVERYONE else) has this delusional expectation in regards to celebrating our anniversary this weekend. We have thrown around ideas for months about what to do, where to go and he has stressed our “need to get away”. 

I don’t get that.

Today I am suffering from horrible anxiety about that phrase.. “need to get away” and I am at the verge of tears just thinking about it. I guess it bothers me because I feel like the idea of needing to get away from our life makes me sad and the idea that getting away from our life for a weekend isn’t going to make a shit of difference in it once we get back, and that is upsetting. There should be an expression of celebration of our life, marriage and love on a daily basis and not just on our anniversary or Valentines Day even (which I equally despise) and the fact that it isn’t the case and it has been reduced to a “one weekend a year” thing really, today especially, upsets me. 

Our lives today are proof of the miracle of grace from the Father, and I have no problem admitting that we are not perfect. I have always been pretty open and honest about our struggles in this life in regards to marriage and our blended family. I will never be so fake to pretend it hasn’t been hard and I will always rejoice in the fact that the Lord has blessed me with the Holy Spirit to get me through the toughest of times. That being said, I don’t understand why I am feeling forced to accept an idea that “getting away” will be beneficial to our marriage when I know that it starts in our own home and I feel like if it would have begun there so long before perhaps I wouldn’t be dreading a trip away this weekend.

I know that financially it will cause a burden, so the realist in me wants to avoid that. Las Vegas is disgusting and I have zero desire to go there and participate in anything that goes on there, at all. I tried to flatter the idea of sitting by a pool and relaxing, but truth be told I couldn’t get passed the idea of how bad I hate it there. It would still smell like crap walking from the pool to the hotel. I would still be surrounded by prostitutes, gamblers, drunkards and filth and paying for fuel to get me there, food to sustain me while I was there and all so I can NOT participate in the nonsense going on there really at the end of the day, feels like a total waste of my time, that is of more value to me.

I would be totally happy to go out for a delicious dinner and a movie. Perhaps exchange a nice little gift or something and have an evening at home alone with Mr Shann. For me, today, that is an ideal plan and I don’t know why I am feeling forced to accept anything else. I really hate that. I hate that society has put a “norm” on what we are suppose to do for different life events and if we don’t……. ugh.  I have been telling Mr Shann about how I feel about all of this and just now told him again and I think I’ll post this in an email for him to chew on, maybe he’ll get a better idea of where I’m coming from because I’m just flip flopping on the issue from one hour to the next. In the meantime, prayers are always appreciated. I’d really like to get through this time without hurting anyone ha