In December 2012 when I was officially diagnosed with MDI I thought it might be a good idea to try and learn more about it other than what I thought I knew by either seeing my grandmother hibernate for months and then bounce off the walls immediately after or what I had experienced myself. I wanted to find out if my own behavior and life choices were in any way connected to this stupid disease.

I stumbled upon a blog called The Bipolar Burble that is written by the amazing Natasha Tracy. I must have found it during an incredibly manic time because I swear I read almost everything I could in like, a weeks time. I could not BELIEVE how connected some of the shit I’ve felt and done was to this disease and yet there was no easy way to try to explain it to anyone in my family without them coming at me with the whole, “no you did that because you wanted to.. or you did that because you are this or that or the other” I mean, I have heard it all. I don’t think they are in denial about what goes on in my head, I think they think it’s “normal” to which I have to wonder if this is so normal and they get these similar episodes that I feel like I am plagued with, how is it that I cant seem to hold it together as well as they do? I mean, they are effing amazing actors because I would NEVER know they were tormented in the mind and I am like, exploding at the seams when I am on a good one.

But whatever. If I am in fact, just the weaker link, then okay. I’ll accept that if they need me to, but that isnt going to stop me from trying to have a better understanding of this disease, recognizing the symptoms of the mania that I have the hardest time with and trying to do all that I can to either prevent it or just give everyone a “heads up” that it’s coming and they should brace themselves just in case.  But in finding so many similarities I almost started to wonder if I was connecting with some things that I shouldn’t have, things that could have been just something I chose to do because of my own sinful nature and not so much because of my diseased mind. There is  a pretty tricky line between being a Christian and battling the flesh and being hypomanic and battling the disease of my mind. I hope that some day I can find the christian equivalent to Natasha. Someone that is as knowledgeable as she is but at the same time, someone who understands that “tricky line” and perhaps if it really even exists or did I just come up with that.
Ha. Somehow I doubt it.

Left… Me in January of this year
Right… Me on Sunday through my bedroom mirror that needs attention in the worst way.

January 2013 and September 2013

I have always been “the fat girl”. I’ve had to watch my weight since birth and I tease my mom about it being her fault since she fed me whole milk as an infant. I know it’s genetic though as my dads side of the family is cursed with obesity and my moms side are all pretty thin. I don’t know if I am just having that mid life crisis they all say happens at forty but in December of last year I decided to go finally see a psychiatrist for my un diagnosed yet clearly prevalent hypo-maniac behavior that was all of killing me. If you knew me when I was “Momgonemadd” you know what I’m talking about. I was finally tired of trying to fight this demon without the help of medication that was actually prescribed to me and not one I could buy off the streets. Longer story shorter, once I was able to get my head fixed up and get me stable and I started feeling better mentally, I got this bug to start fixing myself physically.
I have always had IBS, food has always made me sick and I finally hit this wall while at work one day. It was suggested we go out to lunch, where did I want to eat to which I responded “doesn’t matter, anywhere I go is going to make me sick”. That was the beginning of the end.
Someone at church turned me on to the documentary “Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead” and that was pretty much it. I had tried EVERY diet and eating plan imaginable and with my fortieth birthday creeping up on me that June and my inability to eat anything without getting sick, I knew I had to do something more than “a diet” and this was going to be it. I began with my reboot the Monday after Mothers Day in addition to taking a natural bee pollen supplement to boost my not so existing metabolism and have been going strong ever since. Typically I have a banana and almond smoothie for breakfast, a juice of some kind of 80 veggie/20 fruit blend for lunch and snack between lunch and dinner, and then make a fresh, home cooked, all natural ingredient dinner for my boys and I. I don’t eat fast food, I don’t drink soda or sugary drinks, I don’t eat bread, dairy or anything boxed or processed like lunch meat or any kind of meaty shit. I try to buy organic when I can find it in this podunk town and am buying more GMO free, hormone free meat and poultry when I can find it too.
I have never felt better in my entire life. I use to have diarrhea and headaches by 2pm every single day and I have had neither (with the exception to the occasional detox I do) since May. I have had 2 ibuprofen sitting on my desk “just in case” since May because I also suffer from migraines,and I have never needed to take them.
I recently began exercising for the first time in my life. I had said that once I began losing weight I would get out there and start moving(because I was sure I wasn’t going to lose any weight) and I have kept my word. I started by hiking in the desert with friends and then moved on to what I like to call “wogging” which is a jog/run thing. Right now we’re doing about 2 miles up and down hill which is perfect because I have signed myself up purposely for a 5k at the end of this month.
I’m not sure WHO this person I am becoming is as I have never known her. I am learning to love her as I have hated myself for most of my life and above all of it I know this is who God would want me to be. This is who He has always seen in me it has just taken me a long time to allow Him to do a work in me so that I can get here to this healthy place. I wouldn’t change it for anything, I cant imagine my life any other way.
People say their 40′s are the greatest years of their lives.. I am only 3 months in, almost 40 pounds lighter, and I’d have to say I may believe them.

And there you have it. My first Xanga 2.0 post. That didn’t hurt too bad.