May 6, 2013
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My dreaded past
One horrible characteristic about me that I have every right to hate myself about it the fact that I live too much in my past. My thoughts are often times dreaming of the days of old, days when my character was given shape, days when I saw myself as a beautiful young woman and the men that I allowed to rob me of that vision. I am not writing this for sympathy or for reassurance, I know somewhere inside of me, that I am still a beautiful but older young woman. I might not see it every time I look into the mirror, but I know she is in there somewhere. The truth of the matter is, for whatever reason, I dwell on the past and when it comes back to taunt me, I am weak.
I was positive that being on medication and not getting all hypo manic that I would be less susceptible to falling for the same old tricks of the devil. I don’t know WHY I thought it might be easier, delusion i suppose. Because I am sick of fighting perhaps? Hopeful that I wouldn’t fail yet again? I don’t really know, but I DO know that I was sadly mistaken. I say that my past “taunts me” because it’s true. While on one hand I can probably say my past is completely regrettable on the exact opposite hand I can say it sure was wild and fun. I know that the person I am today is a scarred version of that girl who is finding peace in her Creator, finding acceptance of the forgiveness for the things she has done and finally coming to a place of understanding the sovereignty of Christ, and that is a really hard one to swallow. I liked to stay stoned most of the time because not only did it make the difficulties in my life something I didn’t give much of a crap about but also because I could never forgive MYSELF for the things I have done (and continue to do) and couldn’t possibly see how Jesus could either, even though he is God and so much bigger than I am. I am very good at beating myself up, I am my own worst enemy, my very worst critic and if the words in my head were spoken aloud I would probably be institutionalized… it is that bad. But I am learning. I am learning to accept the sanctification that was offered to me through Christ and though I will not be fully sanctified until I am dead and gone, I will continue to learn and fight these demons in my head.
All that to say, my past is back to taunt me. And without saying too much more I am asking for prayer. I am officially battling against powers and principalities that I haven’t had to deal with in over 20 years. It’s that one thing that you hope you never have to deal with. It’s that one person you hope you never see. And if you do see them, you wish you never did because it will only lead to disaster. I probably shouldn’t even be writing this but I have to get it off my chest. I am afraid. Not for my safety so please don’t worry. I am afraid of myself. I don’t trust myself. I want to be better. I want to be better than this. I am so sick of making STUPID choices and being so f*cking consumed with not just this sickness but whatever it is that allows me to be SO damn stupid. I want to be free from these strongholds and I can feel in the pit of me I am not and trouble is coming.
