April 19, 2013

• Discernment & Disobedience

  There is a Chuck E Cheese in Diamond Bar that I drive by whenever I have to take the 57 FWY and every time I drive by it, I am reminded of the day about 13 years ago when I was dating Mr Shann and I met his daughter for the first time. We took our daughters on a double date to get acquainted with each other and thought Chuck E Cheese would be a good middle ground. Little did I know that this wonderful man I had met, who was like NO other man I had ever dated in my life let alone the past 12 years of being a single parent, would have THEE most horrible little daughter I have ever had the misfortune of meeting.

  I have always been one to see that I have had pretty good discernment over the years. It doesn’t dismiss the fact that I STILL have made horrible choices in my life but I  usually know when the Holy Spirit is tugging at me to do something, or not to for that matter, and the feeling I got that day at Chuck E Cheese was that I needed to run like hell out of that place, with my daughter in tow and never look back. That it didn’t matter HOW wonderful that guy was, his daughter was SO HORRIBLE it wasn’t worth it to me to stick around and make a life with this man!

  As our 12th wedding anniversary approaches(Sunday) I was thinking about that day, again. But this time I had an entirely different thought about it. What if the Holy Spirit WAS in fact, giving me discernment about that little devil child and because I KNEW I should have ended the relationship but didn’t ,I have paid the price of having thee worst step child in the history of man kind and my marriage has suffered immensely because I DIDN’T listen to the SCREAMING of the Holy Spirit and the tearing up of my heart when I knew I should have run like hell out of there. (phew, that was a mouth full) 

  

  I am positive that there are a million reasons in addition to my horrible step daughter and her father not doing anything about it, our marriage hasn’t been healthy all these years. I am sure my depression and manic episodes, drug use, workaholic self attributed greatly to our hardships, I don’t deny it. I just cant help but wonder now that if because I wasn’t obedient to the screaming in my heart is that WHY I had to endure what I have? Not as punishment but because I didn’t listen…and because I didn’t listen, this is what was going to happen. I had fair warning on what I should do in order to NOT have had to endure this nonsense and I didn’t listen. I did what I wanted to do anyway.

  For years I have kicked myself whenever I drive passed that Chuck E Cheese and it isn’t because I don’t love Mr Shann as much as I do but because I am so angry and scarred over how things turned out in the long run. “What if” stings my heart every time I make that drive through Diamond Bar. She has gotten older, she is 20 now and out in the rough world trying to fend for herself (because she STILL cant be respectful and she is adult and I don’t have to take it anymore legally) and so slowly things are beginning to mend. We are taking marriage classes on Saturday nights at the home of a couple who has been married for 39 years and seem to have it pretty much figured out….now. It’s amazing how just having her out of the picture has made such a difference for everyone. Even Mr Shann, although his feelings as her father are just hurt and broken as he wishes she’d have turned out different (umm, hello?) but that’s another blog all by itself. 

  Long story short….

  Here’s to looking forward!

  <raises glass>

  To new beginnings and being obedient next time!!! haha

  *cheers*

  • 5:34 pm
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