April 16, 2013

• Anniversary Blues

  This Sunday Mr Shann and I will have been married 12 years. This is the longest relationship I have ever had with a man. It has been more difficult than blissful if I am speaking most honestly. The past 2 years I have been completely sober and those have been probably the most difficult years to date for me personally. Where it was easier to pick up a joint and smoke my problems away, I have had to face each and every trial and deal with it in a different way that has been far more exhausting then anything I have experienced in my entire life. That all being said, Mr Shann (as well as EVERYONE else) has this delusional expectation in regards to celebrating our anniversary this weekend. We have thrown around ideas for months about what to do, where to go and he has stressed our “need to get away”. 

  I don’t get that.

  Today I am suffering from horrible anxiety about that phrase.. “need to get away” and I am at the verge of tears just thinking about it. I guess it bothers me because I feel like the idea of needing to get away from our life makes me sad and the idea that getting away from our life for a weekend isn’t going to make a shit of difference in it once we get back, and that is upsetting. There should be an expression of celebration of our life, marriage and love on a daily basis and not just on our anniversary or Valentines Day even (which I equally despise) and the fact that it isn’t the case and it has been reduced to a “one weekend a year” thing really, today especially, upsets me. 

  Our lives today are proof of the miracle of grace from the Father, and I have no problem admitting that we are not perfect. I have always been pretty open and honest about our struggles in this life in regards to marriage and our blended family. I will never be so fake to pretend it hasn’t been hard and I will always rejoice in the fact that the Lord has blessed me with the Holy Spirit to get me through the toughest of times. That being said, I don’t understand why I am feeling forced to accept an idea that “getting away” will be beneficial to our marriage when I know that it starts in our own home and I feel like if it would have begun there so long before perhaps I wouldn’t be dreading a trip away this weekend.

  I know that financially it will cause a burden, so the realist in me wants to avoid that. Las Vegas is disgusting and I have zero desire to go there and participate in anything that goes on there, at all. I tried to flatter the idea of sitting by a pool and relaxing, but truth be told I couldn’t get passed the idea of how bad I hate it there. It would still smell like crap walking from the pool to the hotel. I would still be surrounded by prostitutes, gamblers, drunkards and filth and paying for fuel to get me there, food to sustain me while I was there and all so I can NOT participate in the nonsense going on there really at the end of the day, feels like a total waste of my time, that is of more value to me.

  I would be totally happy to go out for a delicious dinner and a movie. Perhaps exchange a nice little gift or something and have an evening at home alone with Mr Shann. For me, today, that is an ideal plan and I don’t know why I am feeling forced to accept anything else. I really hate that. I hate that society has put a “norm” on what we are suppose to do for different life events and if we don’t……. ugh.  I have been telling Mr Shann about how I feel about all of this and just now told him again and I think I’ll post this in an email for him to chew on, maybe he’ll get a better idea of where I’m coming from because I’m just flip flopping on the issue from one hour to the next. In the meantime, prayers are always appreciated. I’d really like to get through this time without hurting anyone ha

  • 2:32 pm
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