My baby girl became a married woman on Saturday

I cant even say anything else without crying. I am so happy for her but having a horrible time knowing she is gone, even though it’s only 1.8 miles down the road. Just wanted to post a couple of photos and as soon as I get more and get my  head together, I will tell you about the most beautiful day we had.

Here is another view

This is it! The final 6 days until my daughters big day. I have managed to hold it together pretty well and have kept my anxiety meds to a minimum, trusting the Lord, even though I’m mad at Him for allowing my stepdaughter to creep her way into my house. Lucky for me I have found the best way to make sure I am not second wife in this house and it is something I had all along…. my vagina.

I know. Shocking right? But I have the one advantage that little brat doesnt. She could never give her dad the booty. So I just need to put my pride down, stop being mad at him long enough to fulfill him and it is AMAZING the control I have aquired since the last I wrote. Having a pity party and being pissed off wasnt even fun and crying for days on end did nothing but make my eyes fat and wear me down. I dont have time for all that!! So I went ahead and gave it a shot and let the poor guy have some fun with me and BOY did it make a difference!! Score 1 for the Shann!

So the other night we took my daughter out for her bachelorette party, but not before I made her the cake pops she requested..

Trust me when I say making a penis cake pop for my daughter was a little disturbing. It was worse when she slipped up and mentioned her fiances penis doesnt taste like chocolate!!! I’d like to hope that she’s just assuming because I really dont want to know otherwise, omg.  She carried this box through Buffalo Wild Wings sporting her “Bride to be” sash like a boss. She is really funny. My sister heard people whisper “that’s a dick” as we walked by, it was embarrassing. Luckily it was Friday night and there isnt much else to do up here so all the big kids were there without their little kids and only the ones we brought from the bridal party were disturbed. Yeah. My daughters bridal party is her half sister who is a freshmen in high school and her cousins who are both sophomores and then my cousin, who is 23 but far more shy than anyone I know.

It didnt get really crazy until a guy came up saying his friend wanted to buy us all a round of shots. WHile my sister and my daughters step mom were amused that he thought we were all a bunch of young girls, we had to let him know we were OLD and the girls were 15, the bride already had a drink and her maid of honor didnt drink. Bunch of duds. We DID however, decide we need to take 15 year old girls out more often, especially once they get their licenses so they can drive us around when the boys want to buy us drinks!!! SCORE!!!

We then went to “neon bowl” and had a fantastic time. If you’ve never been, they shut down all the lights and light the place up with black lights, lazer beams and disco lights and play music videos on big screens between the lanes, it’s pretty cool actually. We brought some pink bachelorette siren lights and the girls had a blast. I am a terrible bowler but managed to win every game we played, go figure.

Tomorrow I make my trip to Costco to buy enough to make potato salad for 200 people and plates and junk. I’ve pretty much got everything done. I need to make one more payment to the rental company for the linens because her dad said he’d pay for at least that, but didnt. I am waiting for the stickers that go on the heart boxes on the table to come in so I can fill those with jelly bellys, glue flowers onto the arch we made out of dead sticks, and finish up the signs that I stenciled.

I ended up making more of these to put along Main Street from the freeway offramp for my family that is coming up from the Los Angeles area to look for so they know they are on the right track. I havent figured out how we’re going to put them up stratigically along the street yet but we’ll figure it out Im sure.

I made myself a list and am just praying I have enough money to tie up all the loose ends. We have come so far and paid cash for everything, it’s been amazing. I was just saying on facebook tonight that as all of this has just fallen into place so smoothly, it is just reaffirming the Lords precious hand on this marriage, it is truly a blessing to serve such a loving God who is in control… when we let Him be. =)

My daughter is getting married in 10 days from tomorrow and my life just keeps getting more and more complicated. I’m sure it just FEELS that way, but I am seriously at a loss right now.The events of this evening I am still trying to wrap my head around, and I just cant seem to do it.

I feel so betrayed.

I feel like they had this shit planned all along and I suspected it, but swore it wouldnt happen and yet it is. There is nothing I feel I can do about it except cry. Cry and ask God why. Why would you allow me to be in this shituation again? Wasnt 10 years of dealing with that terrible child of his long enough? Wasnt my being put second next to her for a decade long enough? What am I doing to deserve such treatment?I mean, you died for my sins, why must I continue to be punished?

I cant live like this. I dont want to. It isnt fair!!

I dont know how I am going to handle this. I am sober now so it hurts more. I cant control my feelings because I have nothing to numb the pain, I just have to deal with it. Deal with being the submissive wife, honoring my husband by letting his homeless asshole daughter move back into our house after she disrespected me from the day I met her 11 years ago until the day she left at 18 because she didnt want to obey our rules and be respectful and now she has burned every damn bridge she has crossed in the last year, has no where else to go but here and hasnt changed a bit, and I have to just accept it.

Im exhausted.

I have nothing left of myself. I am burning my wick at both ends. Between paying for this entire wedding myself, doing all the work, not getting a lick of help from her “dad” and getting nothing but b.s from him, then them buying a house that escrow JUST closed tonight, they get their keys on Thursday and the house has to be deep cleaned, moved in to, the wedding to finish everything, clothes to get for the guys, bachelorette party, I mean the list goes on and on and on and what does he do? Drops the “my daughter said she is ready to change her ways, obey our rules and move in”..

NOW?

When I just told you yesterday, “If one more person asks something more of me, I am going to lose it”.. and HE is that person.

I just wish I could stop crying.